all i ever wanted was the world
by burn my mind
Summary: Maybe for once I want to be perfect? Maybe for once I want to be the one everyone looks at? Do my eyes shine like Serena's do? and I'm sad to the core, core, core / every day is a chore, chore, chore / when you give, I want more, more, more / I wanna be adored


**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

::

_and I'm sad to the core, core, core / every day is a chore, chore, chore / when you give, I want more, more, more / I wanna be adored_

::

It starts when she's seven and everyone prefers Serena's gold dress over her pink one, modeled after the one Audrey wore in Tiffany's.

It hurts more when Nate tells Serena her eyes are pretty, and leave out Blair's. _Just because Serena's eyes sparkle more. _

It becomes unbearable when her own mother tells Serena that she looks better in Blair's pink Tiffany's dress than Blair does.

She spirals into a path of sadness when her father asks Serena if she wants a Yale sweater. _She thought Yale was _their _thing_.

And it's _always _Serena, Serena, Serena.

::

Serena not showing up to school was ordinary. Nothing was out of place.

But when she missed three days of school in a row and hadn't even bothered to call? Something was wrong there.

Winding the phone cord around her fingers she holds in her breath, waiting for Serena to answer.

"Blair?" Lily's voice startles Blair, but then of course trying Serena's _home phone _could result in someone other than Serena answering.

"Lily! Hi, I was wondering if Serena was home?" Sweet. Sweet. Sweet. You're the girl all parents adore, even the ones who gave birth to the kind of girls that run wild and parents _still _adore.

"Serena didn't tell you?" Lily sounds shocked. Blair senses something bad, _really_ bad.

"She left for boarding school-" Lily's still talking but the words aren't registering in Blair's head. _Boarding school. _Serena _left _for boarding school, without telling Blair.

"When?" Blair snaps, fuck being sweet. Her best friend has ditched her, her boyfriend can barely look at her and her parents are fighting more than ever. Why should she be sweet?

"After the Shepard wedding. Look Blair, I would love to stay talking to you but I have other business to attend to." And with a click Lily has hung up on her and left Blair more confused than ever.

_The Shepard wedding. _

Why would she leave after the Shepard's wedding? Why would she leave at all?

With a frustrated sigh Blair crawls atop her bed, letting the phone drop carelessly back into it's place holder. She doesn't even pretend to not cry, she lets the tears fall freely. Her best friend had left her. What else was she supposed to do? Sing and dance? She grabs the pillow nearest to her and holds it close to her chest, squeezing it tightly. Why would she leave without saying goodbye?

::

"Where's Serena?" Nate asks, his eyes moving up from where his book lays in front of him on the floor up to Blair. Chuck's eyes also shoot up, he learns forward ever so slightly.

"Yes, where is our golden girl? She's been missing from school, being a no show at parties and now our annual Sunday get together? Has she ditched us?" Chuck gasps, a mix of faux shock and sadness lacing his voice as a smirk edges on the corner of his lips. Almost like _he _knew.

"Serena didn't tell the two of you?" Blair asks, mustering up her best shocked expression. Nate and Chuck share two equally confused glances, Blair shrugs as she places the cap back on her highlighter. "She left, for _boarding school_." Blair explains, smiling as if it was no big deal.

"What?" Nate asks, jaw practically dropping to the floor. Blair's eyes narrow, of course he would be upset. Why wouldn't he be? Serena was his friend as well, right? It wasn't because he preferred Serena to her or anything.

She decides to ignore it as she highlights the most important parts in her textbook for the upcoming exam while Nate sits there looking shocked and mumbling about how cruel it was that she left with no explanation.

"She's Serena _fucking_ van der Woodsen, what did you expect?" Chuck breathes, rolling his eyes.

(Years later when Blair finds out about Nate and Serena, and Chuck knowing she'll get his emphasis on fucking.)

::

When she's fourteen, Blair self diagnoses herself with depression.

She doesn't tell a soul, too scared to admit _something _was wrong with her.

(Even if it really wasn't anything wrong.)

She cries herself to sleep nearly every night, her mother's harsh words echoing around in her head. Her father retreating from the room, comforting her later but choosing to take business calls over her when they arrive. The whispers about how _wonderful _and _enchanting _and _delightful _Serena is buzzing around her mind. From her mother, to her father, to Dorota, to her grandmother, to Nate, to the girls at school. What hurts most is they don't even realize that they're hurting her.

She just _never _feels good enough.

Not even when people fawn over her, telling her how much they adore _her_. It doesn't matter, because at the end of the day it's Serena, Serena, Serena. Or Eleanor has to criticize _something_.

_Blair, you look wonderful today! _Smiles big, because her mothers compliments mean the entire world to her. Her mothers acceptance of her. _Wouldn't you like to eat something a little healthier? You're already looking a bit too big, don't want to add on a few more pounds, now. _A haughty laugh escapes from Eleanor's lips as she presses a soft kiss to her daughters cheek, _maybe you should stop bye the gym on your way home from school today? _She suggests, plucking a berry for Blair to eat. _You really do look wonderful, Blair. _And then she's gone. And all Blair is left with is an empty feeling.

::

She's thirteen when she firsts takes the plunge of being a bulimic.

She had read about it in some magazine, in a self advice column, all about how it was _bad bad bad_.

She had learned all about it in health, all about how it was _bad bad bad_.

Everything bad about it floods her mind when she's at _her _birthday party and everybody is crowding around Serena, like _she's _the star. The party's five weeks late due to business trips on her parents side and exams at school. Serena's half an hour later, arriving in a shimmery gold dress that makes her look like a shining star. She's giggling like she's high off of champagne and flirting innocently with Nate, laughing like she's the only girl in the world. Everybody's complimenting her on her dress choices, and she's thanking them with a gracious smile and excitedly hugging them and making them feel special. It's what Serena does. She's all sweet, and nice, and flirty, and bubbly all while being cruel. She holds your heart in her hand, peppers it with kisses and adorns it with love and then crushes it. Twists it, smashes it, in the palm of her hand. Carelessly, obliviously, _of course_.

That's what she's doing now.

Crushing Blair's heart.

The brunette's shoveling food in her mouth, all while her eyes are on Serena, twirling around a group of girls and boys from school. And then Blair's racing up the stairs, up to the bathroom, she's locking the door behind her and letting the tears fall down her face. She spots the toilet, and she says _no no no_. She's been tossing up the idea for days, a quick way to get skinny right? To be the best. To be perfect. But has always ruled it out, health risks and all. But now? She gets down on her knees, flipping open the toilet lid.

_No, Blair. Don't do it_, her brain tries to reason with her, but she's too long gone. Images of Serena flooding her mind, twirling all around, holding the attention of every single eye in the room.

_Maybe for once _I _want to be perfect? Maybe for once I want to be the one everyone looks at_, and so she pushes her finger down her throat. She retracts it straight away, not all too sure how to go about this. Slowly, maybe that will help?

Deep breathes. And soon enough, after a few million tries, it doesn't hurt all that much. She hits the gag reflex after a while, and she feels the vomit rising and everything else is a messy blur.

She gets up, flushes the toilet, closes the lid. She pumps a _lot _of soap onto her hand, and puts her palms together rubbing the soap in before putting them under steaming water. Wash. Wash. Wash.

She fishes for a face cloth while inside the bathroom, wets it, places it on her face. _That's better_. She straightens out her dress, flashes her teeth-

She rips her toothbrush from out of it's placeholder, dumping a whole heap of toothpaste onto it. She scrubs her teeth for a good five minutes, before rinsing. Okay, now, hand on her hip, bright smile, practiced laughter, _do my eyes shine like Serena's do? _

And then she re enters the bathroom like nothing was wrong.

::

It's three months after Serena is gone that Blair realizes it's not _so _awful without her.

Everybody finally adores _her_, (and that's all she's ever wanted, to be adored, to be loved, to be admired.)

Nate's acting distant but she _finally _has his full attention, charming smile and gold hair and _you know I love you, Blair. _(For a little while she was scared things wouldn't work out, that the two of them would break, but now she thinks they might actually survive.)

Her mother mentions Serena from time to time, wondering what she's up to and all but she's praising Blair like she never has before. (Or maybe it's the same, it's just that she can't compare her compliments to Serena's anymore.)

But she _does _miss Serena.

She misses the way Serena laughs, the way the two of them would get all dolled up, arms woven in one another. The two of them laughing like they were the only two in the world, like they shared some big private joke. She misses the two of them lying on Blair's bed, cuddling and watching Tiffany's, macaroons crowding around them. She misses dancing with Serena. She misses Serena's compliments. She misses the harmless insults that use to fly between the two of them. She misses go shopping together. She just _really _misses her best friend.

::

Her world comes crashing down when her father just packs up and leaves.

Her parents love each other, even if they fight a lot. Right?

So why did she find her dad suddenly gone one morning with nothing but a note saying he was sorry and her mother grieving while packing for a trip to Paris. Then correcting herself, Italy, Rome, wherever. Anywhere _but _Paris, or France. _Anywhere in France is off limits,_ she laughs, rolling her eyes.

"What's going on?" Blair screams, she wants her dad. She wants him now. She wants him to tell her that everything's alright, that everything's going to be okay. She wants his arms around her, comforting her when she's sad. She wants to see his eyes glinting with mischief as he sneaks her a box of chocolates when Eleanor isn't looking. She just wants her dad!

"Mum, what's going on!" Blair screams louder, tears pounding down her cheeks as Eleanor continues to ignore her, blabbering on about _something_.

"Your father _left _us, Blair." Eleanor snaps, glaring at Blair like she's the last person she wants to see. Eleanor shakes her head, pushing past Blair, leaving her to sob in her parents room alone, clutching her heart.

Left? Why does _everyone _want to leave her? What has she done that's so awful that she's pushing people away?

"Oh, and Blair. Lay off the sweets won't you?" Eleanor adds over her shoulder.

It's the first relapse Blair has since she got better.

::

She finds that her father left her and her mother for not only someone else, but another _man_. (She didn't know that her father swung that way and it hurts her, because did that mean her parents never even loved each other? Was she a mistake then?) When it hits the newspapers. A week after she found out he left.

Her mother was still abroad, she spent her days underneath the covers on her bed crying and her father was living in France with a 31 year old male model.

And Serena never writes, never calls.

The girls avoid her, and her house.

Nate offers up a weak apology before making a lame excuse to leave.

And _Chuck Bass _of all people stops by, telling her to stop feeling sorry for herself because at least she didn't murder her own mother and drags her out of bed to get ice cream. And scotch.

It's one of the first times she gets ridiculously drunk.

And it's the first time she gets drunk without Serena.

::

"Blair! How are you dear? You know with your fathers sudden departure?" Mrs. Merino asks her, cornering her at a society event. Eyes wide and concerned, lips twisted downward. How sick were these people? With their fake sympathy.

Blair forces a smile onto her face, tries to make her blue eyes shine and twinkle like Serena's does, and lets the fakest, tinkly laugh flow from her lips as she rolls her eyes.

"Oh, _I'm _fine, thank you. It's great knowing I have people that care about me," Lie after lie after lie. It was exhausting, she wonders how she hasn't ended up in hospital yet with all the forced appearances.

Mrs. Merino's lips tug even further down, making her look like a sad, little, lost puppy dog as she affectionately touches Blair's hand that's resting on a flute of champagne. She smiles brightly at Blair once, before turning away to make another round around the event.

"What was _that _all about?" Chuck sneers, coming up behind her with a glass of scotch. Blair rolls her eyes, searching for Nate in the crowd.

"Do you _always _hang around in the corners? Silently stalking people?" Blair asks haughtily, her laugh empty.

Nate approaches the two of them, wide smile on his face as he greets his best friends and asks if they want to ditch. Chuck offers up an of course, Blair who has only ditched a society gala once or twice (and _always _with Serena, her big pleading eyes and that big wide smile that breaks out across her face as Blair says yes) turns down the offer, no matter how badly she's dying to just escape, to break free of the facade. She's still in mourning, over the loss of her best friend, over the loss of her father. Nate and Chuck leave her, and she goes to join Kati and Is who are gossiping about some hot new guy at school. She tries her best to be interested, to listen but she finds herself focusing less and less on the actual words and more on nodding her head and agreeing, snapping insults occasionally.

It almost feels like her life is a _chore_.

She's thought of ending it, but then she's laughed and told herself not to be ridiculous.

::

It ends when Blair realizes that she's special in her own way.

It stops when Blair realizes that she can shine just as bright as Serena.

It finishes when Blair opens up her eyes and see just how much people love _her_.

It's over when Blair accepts herself.

And maybe it's really _Blair Blair Blair_.

* * *

**AN: **I love this right up until the very last verse\paragraph. I wanted to get this out here, and I didn't know how to add more or wrap it up. Feedback would be LOVELY. This is one of my most favorite things I've ever written c: The prompt is off of LJ.


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